Month: July 2000 (Page 1 of 3)

My long-dormant abject hatred of Andy Rooney came bubbling to the surface last night as I accidentally caught the end of “60 Minutes.” There he was, his giant eyebrows gesturing wildly as he explained how he opened several cans of mixed nuts and counted how many of each kind of nut were in each can. If you think this was in service of some greater point, or any point, you obviously have never seen Mr. Rooney.

You might have caught his “report” on the contents of his desk drawer, or the one where he interviewed women mowing lawns. I am not kidding about these – they were actual segments on what is perhaps the most respected newsmagazine program on the air.

The man makes millions of dollars and he is laughing at all of us.

“Unauthorized” use of the internet and e-mail on “company time” is not a technology issue, it’s a management issue.

Sometimes the best way to celebrate good writing is with really bad writing: if you haven’t ever heard of the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest, you’re missing a lot. Edward Bulwer-Lytton was the writer who inflicted “It was a dark and stormy night” on generations of Peanuts fans, and every year San Jose State University hosts a contest to see who can write the worst first sentence of an imaginary novel. It’s amazing how difficult it is to write extremely badly. Here’s one of my attempts (check out the site for many more, and probably funnier, entries):

The nuns waited quietly but expectantly for the arrival of kindly Dr. Kelton from down in the town, the only dentist for miles, since absolution was absolutely absent when Abbess Abby of Abbott Abbey had an abscess.

When you’re flipping through the channels and you come upon an infomercial for the NRA, with Charlton Heston hoisting a musket above his head and intoning, “FROM MY COLD DEAD HANDS,” do you:

• a) lunge for the phone, hoping those silver bullets engraved with Heston’s signature are still available,
• b) quickly change the channel, hoping that something, anything, can blot out the horrifying spectacle, or
• c) watch on in fascination, hoping that someone would bonk him on the head with that musket so he would wake up and realize the Revolutionary War ended oh, two centuries ago?

This time, my personal answer was C.

And by the way, I wasn’t joking about the silver bullets.

Our society is doomed. We should just trash the entire thing and start again.

On second thought, Kathie Lee is leaving weekday television this week, so perhaps there’s hope.

Can’t believe I haven’t blogged my latest obsession yet – Mighty Big TV has incredibly funny writing about all the stupidest (but sometimes the most entertaining) shows on the tube. Yes, there’s Felicity, Dawson’s Creek, Ally McBeal, and all the rest of those shows we abhor but can’t seem to get enough of.

And yes, they have a kick-ass section on “Survivor.” (go Colleen!)

I sat slackjawed this morning watching OJ Simpson be interviewed by Katie Couric. She did get in a few good low-key cracks, like when she proved that the charities he said he was going to be giving his money from the “Ask OJ” web site to didn’t know anything about it.

The site has even spurred staid web media like MSNBC to say that it “might have been designed by a combination of Salvador Dali, Andy Warhol and the Insane Clown Posse.”

Then, as fate would have it, I came upon something that treats the “saga” with the reverence it deserves: The OJ Trial as told by Dr. Seuss.

Being off work today, I had the distinct pleasure of watching the 8-9 a.m. hour of the “Today” show. Dr. Joyce Brothers came on, and she announced “the warning signs that your job is in jeopardy.” In no particular order:

1. you’re left out of the loop

• you have little work to do

• your opinions aren’t listened to

• consultants come in doing the same work you do

Yikes! I better watch out.

In one of those strange reality/pop culture crossovers that happen once in a great while, my friend Wendy called me to tell me she is trying out for the “cast” of the next Survivor series, to be filmed in the Australian Outback. She said my phone call to her after last week’s show, when I encouraged her to apply, was one of the main factors that made her take the plunge.

The world would be a better place if we all did more of the things we wish we could (see earlier post).

I promise not to make this weblog into a “Survivorlog.” At least I’ll try.

With almost no prior warning, their heads exploded

A combination cautionary tale and primer on web writing. What they don’t tell you when you start running a weblog is that you can easily get obsessed with reading other people’s stuff. It’s the crack cocaine of the web.