Month: April 2001 (Page 5 of 7)

A friend of mine who just completed her application for Survivor 3 has told me that the next series will be in Africa somewhere. While I’m sure that will be OK, it seems a little mundane for a third show. I was hoping that they would turn the screws a little more on the location and pick something really interesting. Antarctica, maybe (although that would make filming difficult, not to mention the virtual impossibility of showing off ratings-making bikinis and rippled chests). Or maybe high up in the trees like Ewoks. But my favorite prospect would be underwater, like the research facility in “Deep Blue Sea.”

“Damnit! Summer left the decompression chamber door open again!”

“The Ten Commandments” was on TV over the weekend. It’s always been one of my favorites, mostly for its amazing combination of camp and religion. This year, for some reason, the 18-hour running time just wore me out, and I only watched bits and pieces of it. But the best parts are classics, like when Moses’ Egyptian mother finds out he knows he’s Hebrew:

Bithiah: Gather my chariot! I shall ride to Goshen!
(quick cut to Moses’ Hebrew family)
Yochabel (looking up, startled): A chariot? Here in Goshen?

For some reason tonight I thought of one of my favorite stories about my mom, which is also a word story. So, at the risk of embarrassing her, here goes:

We were in Chicago over Christmas several years ago. We were all in the car together, and I was in the backseat reading the Chicago Reader. I came to the back of the paper, where the “adult services” ads are. I just had to tell the entire car how funny I thought it was that one of the “adult services” had a phone number that was listed as 382-DUCK.

“Duck? Why is that funny?” she said.

I prompted her that D, E, and F were all on the same telephone keypad button. She thought about that for a minute.

“E-U-C-K? Well, that doesn’t even spell anything!” she said.

I love my mom.

After my review of “Zardoz,” Mike suggested that I check out “Troll 2.” I finally did, and T2 (not to be confused with the other one) makes “Zardoz” look like “Citizen Kane.” First off is the script, if that word can even be used. Imagine if you took the scripts of every other Grade Z horror film, tossed them in a blender, fed the resulting mush to a goat, then let the goat type out the script with his hooves – you would have T2.

This thing has got evil messages on softballs, public urination, popcorn sex, rancid meat, chopped-off limbs, molotov cocktails from the afterlife, repressed homosexuality, an abundance of green goo, spear attacks, human potted plants, and so much more. Where’s Joe Bob Briggs when you need him? And best of all, there are no trolls in “Troll 2.” What more could you ask for? A true masterpiece of badness.

Dumb is the new smart. Michael Wolff says the media can’t call Bush dumb for fear of being thought of as bigoted. Well, I can: he’s an idiot. He’s dumber than cotton. I’m surprised he can dress himself in the morning. And our apparent willingness to accept this is scary and deeply disturbing.

Zen Spam E-mail Subject Line of the Week:
“If you die then what?”

Zen Pop Culture Question of the Week:
If Love Boat’s Bernie Kopell, in an infomercial for an anti-snoring remedy, has the words “TV Star” printed under his name as he is introduced, does that mean he is one?

Honorary Amber Word of the Day: myrmidon

Watched “That’s My Bush!” on Comedy Central Wednesday night. (Wednesday? Feels like three years ago.) While I understood and admired what they were trying to do, I missed the slyness that underlies the grossness of “South Park.” One interesting thing was, 90 percent of the show as presented could have substituted Al and Tipper and the jokes and setups would have been the same. I guess that’s understandable in a show that didn’t know who its main character was going to be until just a few weeks ago, but still. I know Matt and Trey want to send up sitcoms more than the presidency, but like with Series 7, it’s hard to parody a form that’s such self-parody already – Urkel, anyone? Series 7 manages it (brilliantly); TMB! doesn’t.

How often do you laugh out loud when surfing the web? I love The Onion, but I don’t often laugh out loud while reading it. (Most memorable single headline: “Maria Shriver’s Face Resharpened.”) Probably the only book I ever read that made me laugh out loud was “A Confederacy of Dunces.” Movies are more common of course, but under any circumstances, comedy is hard.

This made me laugh out loud. If it did the same to you, and you love “Confederacy of Dunces,” please contact me. We are soulmates.