Month: May 2004 (Page 1 of 5)

Just how dull can the End of the World be? Pretty dull, if Roland Emmerich’s “The Day After Tomorrow” is any guide.

You would think that global superstorms bringing on a new ice age would be pretty exciting. And the movie does have a lot of the disaster movie hallmarks: the noble scientist warning skeptical politicians, the family troubles among scrappy survivors, the giant apocalypse depicted by somewhat-convincing computer graphics.

But instead of turning this into something fun and exciting, Emmerich (who made the White House blow up in the decidedly pre-9/11 “Independence Day”) has crafted an oatmeal-flavored “epic” that needs an attack by inexplicable timber wolves to generate even the littlest bit of spark.

There is one funny aspect: the skeptical and scowly vice-president is an obvious Dick Cheney clone, and Perry King plays the befuddled Prez, who mainly stands around and asks faux-Cheney what to do.

But slapdash political commentary isn’t why we go to disaster movies. It’s to be awed and excited, and maybe laugh a little bit. None of that happens in “Tomorrow.”

If you’re looking for some escapist fun in the disaster movie mold, try renting “The Core,” which makes infinitely better use of some of the same movie cliches. It’s stupid and silly and just plain fun. Plus, you’ll save a few bucks compared to a movie ticket – even more if you want refreshments. No need to thank me.

Have you seen the latest Army recruiting commercial? The entire thing is a first-person view through a sniper rifle scope, as you zoom in on the soft parts of various turbaned Arabs. Plus, you can get a free “Army Special Forces” video!

Excuse me while I go throw up.

Michael Eisner can bite my shiny metal ass.

Oh, and all those “Michael Moore is fat” people can choke on it, as well. This movie is gonna be HUGE.

Inspired by Miss Anthropy, I’ve submitted my first entry to the Sidewalk Project. It’s not much in terms of composition, but I wanted to get all the words in.

My picture is being used on a site that celebrates, apparently, midgets and leprechauns.

Maybe I should tell them that I’ve grown a little since then. More than a little.

Boy do I need a laugh these days. For those of you who feel the same, try this: “Pros and Cons of John Kerry’s Top Twenty Vice-Presidential Candidates.” (via lies.com)

Why do I do this to myself? After the debacle that was “Goodbye Lenin,” who would have thought I would be buying a ticket to watch a French thriller about a psychotic criminal – the first of three interconnected movies? Talk about alarm bells. Admittedly the “hugging and learning” quotient was bound to be low, but still – what was I thinking?

It’s difficult to describe the sensation of watching this movie. Imagine “The Piano,” but instead of an irritating mute, the main character is the aforementioned psychotic criminal. We meander through a series of unconnected, meaningless events, with almost no dialogue. (And no soundtrack, as my friend and movie companion Susan reminded me.) We know almost nothing about the characters, such as they are. And the movie concludes with likely the most jaw-droppingly pointless, bash-your-head-in-with-a-hammer-because-you-watched-the-whole-thing ending I’ve ever seen. And that includes “The Piano,” which nearly incited me into a machine gun shooting spree when it was over.

Stay away, in the name of all that is good in the world.

Tom Burka neatly sums up how I feel about the national color-coded threat level in his latest piece on my new favorite site, “Opinions You Should Have.”

I would accompany this link with a rant, but I’ve already ranted about this in the past. I need to save my strength.

I recently put my profile up on Match.com. For those of you who are long-time readers of ‘words mean things,’ this must seem like a shockingly personal admission for me to make. But the whole thing is so silly, so strange, I felt like I needed to write about it.

I know several other people who’ve had great success meeting people through online personals. So far, I am not one of those people. Since I put my profile up three weeks ago (including photo), I’ve had two guys e-mail me, seemingly interested. But then when I e-mailed them back, no response. I’ve done searches on the site, but haven’t really seen anyone I was interested in contacting.

I’m thinking of expanding out to Yahoo! Personals, but I don’t know. This whole experience has allowed my inner 12-year-old girl to come out way too much for my taste. If I had a pink plastic diary decorated with unicorns instead of a weblog, I’d probably be using my purple sparkly pen to write things like “Does he like me? Or does he *like-me* like me?” surrounded by doodles of rainbows.

And that’s just not me.

I think it’s ample evidence of evolution that even for a crusty old curmudgeon like me, babies are cute.

And don’t miss Matthew Baldwin’s writeup of the photo – especially the end.