Ben Affleck dodged a bullet: J.Lo married singer Marc Anthony on Saturday.
The first thing that occurred to me when I heard this news was, maybe there should be a Pop Diva Marriage Bureau, so Britney or J.Lo or whoever couldn’t get another quickie marriage without some sort of approval process.
But then I thought, why stop there? All those crapweasels trying desperately to stem the tide of gay people getting married should instead focus their energies on the real threats to their version of marriage.
So I propose creating the Bureau of Marriage and Family Certification (BMFC). The regulations would have to be hammered out, of course, but here are some good starts:
1. No marriage allowed where the woman is older than child-bearing age (medical certification required).
2. All engaged couples must sign a Procreation Pledge, agreeing to attempt to conceive for at least the first five years of the marriage.
3. Both marriage partners must be heterosexual, to avoid conflict with Rule #2. Heterosexuality will be authenticated by the BMFC, using investigative techniques, or in difficult cases, medical arousal testing.
4. All new marriages will be monitored by the BMFC for no less than one (1) year, to make sure the union is legitimate and not undertaken for financial or other non-approved reasons, especially including theft of company or government benefits.
5. Divorce will be strictly regulated. All civil divorces will have to be approved by the BMFC, after a 3-5 year evaluation process.
These are just the bare-bones ideas I came up with off the top of my head. But won’t we all sleep better at night when we know the BMFC is looking out for us, slowing if not stopping our still-probably-inevitable slide into the abyss.