Author: Adam (Page 122 of 224)

You May Already Be A Winner!

Because of a mixup with my Amazon wish list, I’m now in possession of two copies of “The Royal Tenenbaums” on DVD. Rather than return one, I’ve decided to give the two-disk set (plus shipping to the continental U.S.) to a lucky reader. Just write, in 100 words or less, why you deserve this amazing prize – either in the comments or directly by e-mail to me. I’ll pick the winner next Friday. Good luck.

Yes, I watch American Idol. Shut up.

I was happy to see Justin “Sideshow Bob” Guarini among the bottom two vote-getters this week. He has by far the weakest voice among the remaining finalists, and all he has going for him is his creepy camera-flirting manner. Seems to work on Paula “But I have a Grammy” Abdul, though.

In a perfect world, Tamyra Gray and Kelly Clarkson would be the final two, with Kelly the winner. But we all know we don’t live in a perfect world.

I really want to start a meme

Last year, I published my Top 10 movies and asked other weblog people to contribute their own lists. This year, I think it’s only fitting to give the Bottom 10 movies list a try. Can’t wait to see what other people come up with.

Just to clarify, I’m not talking about “so bad they’re good” movies like “Zardoz” or “Troll 2.” Or about “realized what they were trying to do, but for me it was dreadful” movies, like “Moulin Rouge.” I’m talking just out-and-out gouge-your-eyes-out terrible.

Here goes (not in ranking order):

1. Taps. A pointless and stupid glorification of militarism. First movie where I wanted to ask for my money back (but didn’t).

2. Ricochet. The most gleefully ultraviolent movie I’ve ever seen. If you want to see John Lithgow kill people with a power drill, this is your movie.

3. Swordfish. The modern equivalent to #2. I’ve written about it before.

4. The English Patient. Eighteen hours long and nothing happens. I saw a guy get up at about the 2.5-hour mark and leave; when I realized he wasn’t coming back, I envied him.

5. Brazil. Saw this movie at the Fine Arts theater in Chicago while I was in college. After the movie, I had a strong urge to lie down in the middle of Lake Shore Drive and end it all.

6. Passion of Mind. Horrible Demi Moore debacle, although that doesn’t narrow it down enough. Also written about before.

7. The Princess Diaries. Longest movie ever made. When we finally stumbled out of the theater, I wondered what decade it was.

8. The Tin Drum. Egregious foreign “film” about nasty dwarf who uses high-pitched scream to get what he wants. Won Best Foreign Film Oscar in 1980 (big surprise).

9. Neighbors. Incomprehensible and bizarre mess – John Belushi’s final movie. He deserved better.

10. The Piano. I love Holly Hunter, but this redefines the word “horrible.” Bitter, pointless, pseudo-“empowerment” flick from Jane Campion.

This kind of a list is interesting, because we don’t seek out bad movies, and I don’t think we remember the bad ones (other than a few notable stinkers) as well as we do the good ones. I’m sure I missed a lot of good candidates. What would your Bottom 10 be?

Like many, many others, I have a burning need to know if my weblog is hot or not. I am weak and desire hits desperately.

The other night I had a dream that I was attending some City College in a run-down brick building, like an old high school. There were lots of staircases, like an Escher drawing, going in all directions. As usual with this sort of dream, I left my notebooks in some other classroom, and couldn’t find them. I also couldn’t find my schedule, although for some reason I knew that I was taking a bunch of really strange classes, like Charcoal Figure Drawing and History of Unionism.

Not sure what this means.

If I see the trailer for “Master of Disguise” with Dana Carvey one more time, I may gouge out my own eyes. Anyone else have this reaction? This truly may be the worst movie ever made in the history of the medium. And that would be quite an achievement.

Watch out, because I’m about to make one of those sweeping pop culture pronouncements:

No one knows how to make a comedy anymore.

After watching (or sitting through) “Austin Powers in Goldmember” and “Men in Black 2,” I’ve begun to despair finding a decent comedy in the movie theater. Dramas, sure. “Frailty,” “Road to Perdition,” “13 Conversations About One Thing,” and lots of others I could name, have been great.

And I’m not talking about whimsical movies like “The Royal Tenenbaums,” which I think is a modern classic. I’m talking about the laugh-out-loud comedy. (You have to understand, I love “The Money Pit.” So take my dubious taste into account.)

With both Austin Powers and MIB2, there were a couple of laugh-out-loud moments, punctuated with long stretches of, well, non-comedy. And in a comedy, something that isn’t funny isn’t really anything. It just lies there.

They say comedy is hard. I just didn’t realize it was this hard.

Apparently “A Confederacy of Dunces” might finally be made into a movie. I can’t believe that Hollywood, which is grinding its way through the Nick at Nite canon after seemingly exhausting the Library of Congress, is finally getting around to this incredible gem. If you haven’t read this book, I beg of you to go out right now and find a copy and read it. I’ll wait.

Now, you see what I mean? Hilarious, grand and sad all at once. The only book I’ve ever read that made me laugh out loud while reading it – and I laughed so hard I thought I would burst.

And what a showpiece the lead role of Ignatius J. Reilly could be for the right actor. I used to think Robbie Coltrane would have been perfect, but he’s way too old now. Maybe Oliver Platt? Jack Black?

On one hand, I love this book too much to see the potential butchering it could face in the hands of Hollywood hacks. But in this case, I think I’ll take the chance.

Just because you’re a hypochondriac doesn’t mean there isn’t something wrong with you.

For those with serious health problems, the internet is a godsend. You can get a wealth of both clinical and anecdotal information online about any problem you or your family might have, at any time of the day or night.

But for hypochondriacs like me, the internet can be their worst enemy. I’ve been feeling really lightheaded the last week or so, a symptom, most likely, of stress and anxiety. But here’s only part of what I found in a simple search on “dizziness and vertigo”:

Disorders that cause dizziness and affect the inner ear itself include Meniere’s disease, otosclerosis, endolymphatic hydrops, labyrinthitis, cupulolithiasis, acoustic neuroma, and perilymph fistula. Other diseases that can affect the inner ear or the parts of the brain devoted to balance include allergies, multiple sclerosis, syphilis and other bacterial and viral infections, and diabetes.

Oh yeah. I feel so much better now.

I’m surprised it’s taken this long

Someone has created the anti-lucky8ball. Still, it’s funny. (Stolen from ***Dave, who has some great suggestions for a Hysterical Conservative Magic Eightball.)