Author: Adam (Page 6 of 224)

Right: That hornet’s nest is interfering with my enjoyment of our tree. Let’s poke it and get all those hornets out.

Left: What, are you crazy?

Right: No, it’s a great plan. I have this giant stick and I’m not using it at all. Here goes!

[frenzied poking]

[swarm of hornets emerge, stinging both Right and Left]

Right: Damn you, Left! You didn’t help me poke! This is all your fault.

Finis.

“I am honored to be here and to receive this honorary doctorate. When I think back to the people that have been in this position before me from Benjamin Franklin to Queen Noor of Jordan, I can’t help but wonder what has happened to this place. Seriously, it saddens me. As a person, I am honored to get it; as an alumnus, I have to say I believe we can do better. And I believe we should.”

-Jon Stewart, giving the Commencement Address at William and Mary (via lies.com)

“I hope that after Bush is re-elected, he goes buck wild, disregarding the media, the polls and mealy-mouthed Democrats. With no re-election to worry about, he can be the cowboy liberals say he is anyway.”

-La Shawn Barber, in comments on “How We Will Lose the Islamo-Fascist War”

I don’t know which scares me more: the prospect, or the sentiment.

1. Gwyneth Paltrow named her daughter “Apple.”

2. Julia Roberts is having twins.

3. George Clooney turned 43 last month. Hey, four years isn’t too much of an age difference, is it? 🙂

Just how dull can the End of the World be? Pretty dull, if Roland Emmerich’s “The Day After Tomorrow” is any guide.

You would think that global superstorms bringing on a new ice age would be pretty exciting. And the movie does have a lot of the disaster movie hallmarks: the noble scientist warning skeptical politicians, the family troubles among scrappy survivors, the giant apocalypse depicted by somewhat-convincing computer graphics.

But instead of turning this into something fun and exciting, Emmerich (who made the White House blow up in the decidedly pre-9/11 “Independence Day”) has crafted an oatmeal-flavored “epic” that needs an attack by inexplicable timber wolves to generate even the littlest bit of spark.

There is one funny aspect: the skeptical and scowly vice-president is an obvious Dick Cheney clone, and Perry King plays the befuddled Prez, who mainly stands around and asks faux-Cheney what to do.

But slapdash political commentary isn’t why we go to disaster movies. It’s to be awed and excited, and maybe laugh a little bit. None of that happens in “Tomorrow.”

If you’re looking for some escapist fun in the disaster movie mold, try renting “The Core,” which makes infinitely better use of some of the same movie cliches. It’s stupid and silly and just plain fun. Plus, you’ll save a few bucks compared to a movie ticket – even more if you want refreshments. No need to thank me.

Have you seen the latest Army recruiting commercial? The entire thing is a first-person view through a sniper rifle scope, as you zoom in on the soft parts of various turbaned Arabs. Plus, you can get a free “Army Special Forces” video!

Excuse me while I go throw up.

Michael Eisner can bite my shiny metal ass.

Oh, and all those “Michael Moore is fat” people can choke on it, as well. This movie is gonna be HUGE.

Inspired by Miss Anthropy, I’ve submitted my first entry to the Sidewalk Project. It’s not much in terms of composition, but I wanted to get all the words in.

My picture is being used on a site that celebrates, apparently, midgets and leprechauns.

Maybe I should tell them that I’ve grown a little since then. More than a little.

Boy do I need a laugh these days. For those of you who feel the same, try this: “Pros and Cons of John Kerry’s Top Twenty Vice-Presidential Candidates.” (via lies.com)