Category: words mean things (Page 22 of 223)

Deconstructing spam

Today I received the following spam message:

Girls + Farm Animals = Naked Girl with Farm Animals

Now this seems pretty straightforward at first glance. But upon further examination, I have to take issue with the mathematics. First, did all but one of the “girls” leave? Because on the left it says “Girls,” but on the right it says “Girl.”

Then there’s the issue of “Naked.” Do girls automatically take off their clothes when they see farm animals? Because it seems to me they’re not naked on the left, but they are naked on the right.

And combining the numbers issue with the naked issue, this is the only way I can see that this makes sense: A group of girls walked up to the farm animals, and one of them got so aroused that she whipped off her clothes, while the others watched.

Don’t even get me started on the meaning of “with.”

It’s all very confusing. Maybe I should click on the link…

That’s the ticket

How about this for a Democratic ticket in ’04:

Dean/Feingold

What do you think?

Average Joe finale

“At least I hope he’s terrible in bed.”

–David, commenting on the “Average Joe” finale last night

I must admit I was stunned when Melana picked the vacuous, childlike model Jason over funny, rich Adam. And it takes a lot to amaze a grizzled reality show veteran like me. Plus, I fell for the old “Survivor” editing trick, where Adam got so much more screen time than Jason, and the dating show editing trick where you think the first guy will be the one rejected. Damn. They even showed Jason peeking out from a window on the getaway jet as Adam got on the bus. Bastards!

This show surprised me throughout, by taking a middling premise and making it interesting from beginning to end. I don’t think Melana was all that interested in either of them, so she just thought, well, I might as well take the pretty one for a ride! Good luck with that, sweetheart.

I don’t shed too many tears for Adam, though. As my friend Wendy said last night, the millionaire day trader TV star (at least in the 15-minutes way) won’t be hurting for female attention after this. And that’s the best part of this whole show, if you ask me.

Rollback

Mrs. du Toit wants a rollback. Poor dear just can’t deal with the society as it is. Her delicate sensibilities are all aflutter. The only problem with this even-more-insane-than-usual rant is, she doesn’t say how far she wants the rollback to go. I mean, would 1899 be far enough? Get out that whalebone corset and let’s party!

Pop culture quote of the day

“Look, you crumb bum, I’m a star. Star, star, star. I don’t get a million dollars to act out of a trench. I played Miss St. John the Baptist in a trench, (she walks along in the trench and we see that she has two boxes strapped to her feet) and I played Miss Napoleon Bonaparte in a trench, and I played Miss Alexander Fleming in a furrow so if you want this scene played out of a trench, well you just get yourself a goddamn stuntman. (walks off) I played Miss Galileo in a groove and I played Mrs. Jesus Christ in a geological syncline!”

Anyone know where this is from?

The Pro-War Brigade

Dean Esmay, the du Toits, and now Adam Yoshida. (Best of all, he’s not even American!) Via Atrios. Is this guy scary or what? Be sure to read the comments – they’re 98 percent negative, which is cool.

Things that renew my faith in pop culture

Bradley Cooper (Will) back on “Alias” tonight in leather pants. I always thought he was better looking than Michael “Hatchet Face” Vartan. Put Vaughn in witness protection, I say, and bring back Will Tippin. But that’s just me.

Capitalism

I went Christmas shopping today, and bought a shirt, earmuffs, and a pair of shoes.

All for myself.

The party line

So Hillary Clinton was on “Face the Nation” this morning, spouting the party line that she was for civil unions but against gay marriage. When John Roberts asked her why she was against gay marriage, all she could come up with was “That’s an idea that’s not supported by a lot of Americans” or some such. Well, so was desegregation, Hillary. Did that make it the wrong thing to do? Was it not worth doing because it was politically dangerous?

In order to help Hillary Clinton, Tom Daschle, Howard Dean and others deal with this issue, I’ve written up a little sample rhetoric on gay marriage for them to use. They don’t even have to credit me! It’s for the greater good, I say. Here it is:

I think what’s important here, Tim, is to understand the difference between civil and religious marriage. Religious marriage is a sacrament, and I don’t believe the government has any business telling any religion who they can and cannot marry. But civil marriage is a legal contract that’s enforced by the state, and that confers rights on the citizens that enter into that contract. I believe Americans are a fundamentally fair people. And this is about fairness – allowing people who want to enter into committed relationships, relationships that strengthen the society, to get the rights conferred by civil marriage.

There’s a lot of talk about civil unions these days – trying to create a system alongside civil marriage that would involve the same rights. But why create a new system, a new bureaucracy, to try to simulate something already in place? Is that fair? I don’t think it is. “Separate but equal” didn’t work in the civil rights era, and it doesn’t work here. I know there are a lot of Americans who are uncomfortable with homosexuality. But that unease shouldn’t be enough reason to deny basic rights to citizens of the United States of America.

Not that they’ll ever in a million years use this sort of argument. But they should. And if it only took me five minutes to come up with, I bet their high-priced speechwriters and message-makers could do an even better job. I’d like to see them at least try.

Signs of the apocalypse

Have you seen the ads for the Gizmo grater on TV recently? This thing looks like an ordinary box grater. But it oscillates up and down, so instead of moving the cheese up and down over the grater blades, you hold the cheese in place and the blade moves for you. So the slight motion of moving the cheese has been replaced by holding the cheese perfectly still.

Oh my sweet lord.