Family fun
THE SCENE: Your basic Wisconsin supper club. My brother Matt decided he wanted to celebrate his birthday, which is in November, now while he’s in town visiting. So me, my mother, Matt, and my somewhat hard-of-hearing stepfather Orville are sitting having birthday cake after a nice meal.
Matt: Maybe the waitress will give me a lap dance for my birthday!
Orville: Lap what?
Mom: A LAP DANCE.
Orville: Lap dance? What’s a lap dance?
Mom (to Matt): You tell him.
[PAUSE]
Matt: A STRIPPER MAKES YOU EJACULATE IN YOUR PANTS.
Simultaneously, all the forks held by the dozen diners at the next table clatter to the tablecloth.
I love families.
Thank you for helping me decide to avoid my family this Labor Day. Ex-con brother Vince wants us to come up to Eau Claire and stay in cabins while he gets his stomach pumped. If I wanted to get thrown out of a restaurant, I’d do it with an ACT UP T-shirt on. I can only imagine what the blood vessels in your head look like right now.
P.S. — tell me, TELL ME he did that at the Avenue.
It was High Point Steak House outside Dodgeville. And thankfully we were at the end of the meal. 🙂
Well, that’s just plain awesome. I think the hovercraft full of eels should be one of your shorter-lived taglines in light of this development.
Too bad there won’t be any birthday celebration in November, right?
Otherwise we’re celebrating my birthday next week, and at least once a month thereafter.
If I survive. I’m in an unfamiliar home and just ran into a wall in the dark.
John: There is no good reason to go to Eau Claire. Plus, that’s my birthday weekend, and ya’ll best be here for that. You too, Adam! No travelling allowed!
Picture the classic image of me taking a drink of water as I read the punchline. I managed not to spew very much.
Good Reasons To Go To Eau Claire:
1) Wong’s Pagoda
2) I like Eau Claire
3) Carson Park
4) Ice sledding on Half Moon Lake
5) Take me with and I’ll show you places I grew up in
Maybe some time when we don’t have to watch my brother puke and cry about what a bad brother I am? I do love Wisconsin on the Mississippi. Isn’t Eau Claire on the Mississippi?
Nope. It is however on the Chippewa, right where it’s met by the Eau Claire.
No more Wisconsin geography today.
Maybe we should send Adam’s brother to meet your brother.
I think they could both use a date.
Jesse: You’re from Eau Claire?? Why didn’t I know that? Maybe I did.
It’s a perfectly fine place to grow up in (I think I turned out okay.), but going back there is only good for reminiscing. We should all go up some weekend. We can stay at my parents’ house. They would love it.
Depending on how I want to tell it, I could definitely say I’m from/grew-up-in Hurley, Eau Claire, and Madison.
I last visited (for reminiscing) in 1998. London Square Mall was still open, but I couldn’t tell why, since there were maybe six stores in the entire place and the rest was empty. Nice “Dawn of the Dead” feel to it.
Everyone I knew in Eau Claire is dead or gone.
Road trip!
#1: Hurley?!? Are you serious? This requires more discussion. My people are of the Northwoods.
#2: I think London Square Mall was finally torn down recently. If there’s no one there to witness it (or give a rats ass), then I don’t think it makes a noise.
#3 Road trip indeed, though we might need to rent a minivan.
Let’s discuss the north woods on the road trip. I can tell you all about beaver trapping when visiting my grandparents for Easter. You and yours, John, Matt, myself, Eau Claire sight-seeing and hours of conversation. I may be able to simply borrow a minivan for the event, though it would be full of dog essence.
People are starting to wonder why they’re hearing me laugh from the other side of the house…
And that’d never happen if I was eating with my family, for just soooo many reasons.