Another reason why “Television Without Pity” recaps are better than the shows themselves

The Bachelor
Previously: Elizabeth Cady Stanton rolled over in her grave and muttered, “Why did I even bother?”

Getting paid rocks.

Here’s to more of it.

To commemorate today’s signing of the Homeland Security Act, complete with fun stuff like new exemptions to the Freedom of Information Act, I thought I would reprint one of my favorite bits of movie dialogue, from “A Man For All Seasons.” Thomas More and his son-in-law, Will Roper, are discussing the slimy opportunist Richard Rich:

More: And go he should, if he were the devil himself, until he broke the law.
Roper: So now you’d give the devil benefit of law!
More: Yes. What would you do? Cut a great road through the law to get to the devil?
Roper: Yes! I’d cut down every law in England to do that.
More: Oh? And when the last law was down and the devil turned round on you – where would you hide, Roper, the laws all being flat? This country is planted thick with laws, from coast to coast, man’s laws, not God’s, and if you cut them down – and you’re just the man to do it – do you really think you could stand upright in the winds that would blow then? Yes, I’d give the devil benefit of law – for my own safety’s sake.

We’re cutting a great road through the law to get to the devil. The only problem is, we’re not sure who the devil is.

Last night, I played the demo version of Tom Clancy’s “Splinter Cell” game on my Xbox. (I just realized, that’s a great search engine shill sentence. Go me!) It’s very cool, reminiscent of one of my favorite PC games, “Thief.” And this morning, my dreams were full of night vision goggles, surveillance cameras, picking locks, and sneaking past Russian guards.

I hope if I play “Crash Bandicoot,” I won’t start dreaming about being an orange marsupial jumping on crates to get apples.

The holidays make me do strange things, things I would never do under normal circumstances. Like consult those home-and-hearth magazines for Thanksgiving ideas.

But there was something in there I thought might be useful for my fellow cash-strapped computer geek types. In place of traditional Christmas gifts, burn a custom CD for each person on your list, and make a nice label or jewel box graphic to go with it.

No, I’m not changing my name to Heloise.

What is everyone doing for Thanksgiving? I’m going to have a small (very small) group over, and hopefully not nearly induce a nervous breakdown like last year (although it turned out well). What are your plans?

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

It’s almost irrelevant to review a movie like this – it’s like reviewing “Episode II.” Everyone who’s going to see it is going no matter what, and people who couldn’t care less will not be swayed by a good review. But I soldier on anyway.

It was entertaining, primarily because of Kenneth Brannagh, who ripped into the role of self-important pseudo-wizard Gilderoy Lockhart like a pit bull and didn’t let go. But it’s two hours and forty minutes long, and unlike the first one, which felt rushed at about the same length, this one feels draggy. The kids are still good, but everyone just seems to be going through the motions. And the action scenes are, I think, way too intense for younger kids. (Thousands of giant spiders at one point even freaked me out a little bit.) Maybe I would have enjoyed myself more if the group of teenage girls behind us would have shut the hell up and stopped kicking our chairs.

Ahem. Old man moment, sorry.

I have hopes for the third installment, to be directed by Alfonso Cuaron, whose “A Little Princess” is thought to be one of the best children’s movies ever. His sensibility is certainly more offbeat and less commercial than Chris Columbus’.

This isn’t a bad movie. But it could have been so much more.

When you’re on hold with non-toll-free technical support in California, you’re really in an existential bind. If you keep holding, you could be holding forever, and never get to speak to one of those low-paid drones who probably can’t answer your question anyway. And the longer you hold, if you end up hanging up because you waited too long, the worse off you are, because you racked up all these charges for no reason.

On the other hand, they may possibly be able to answer your question. (As Judy Tenuta would say, “It could happen!”) And if you hang up, you might be hanging up just seconds before they would have answered your call and your question. You have no way of knowing this, but like Charlie Brown and the football, you hope for the best.

Until you end up hanging up anyway.

The news underlined a statement by U.S. President George Bush Wednesday, warning President Saddam Hussein to be truthful. ?Should he again deny that this arsenal exists, he will have entered his final stage with a lie,? Bush said in a speech to NATO leaders in Prague.

–MSNBC

Well, apparently we don’t need weapons inspectors after all. GWB is on the case. Gotta love the “his final stage” language too. Way to be tough, George. When will Osama get to that “final stage” again? My mom always told me to finish one job before starting on the next one.

My horoscope today

Although you generally know your limits, you might have one too many of everything today. You are bowled over by circumstances that require you to think on your feet. The best thing to do is remain clam.

Typos make me smile.