So Suey tells me that in England, pants are not pants – that’s what they call underwear. So underwear is pants, and pants are trousers, I guess. Follow me? Which casts a funny light on the Dockers “Nice pants” campaign, where men in various public situations are ogled below the waist by women who exclaim, you guessed it, “Nice pants.” I have always loved regional U.S. terms for things (sofa, couch, davenport), and now I’m equally fascinated by English-American differences. As the saying goes, we’re two countries separated by a common language.

“Basil, you have a kipper sticking out of your jumper.” -Sybil Fawlty

I am not making this up. Jason Alexander’s upcoming sitcom, “Bob Patterson,” already nothing more than a bald-faced attempt to cash in on what’s left of the George Costanza concept, co-stars a woman playing Patterson’s black, disabled, klutzy secretary. Yes, you heard me right. If it weren’t for King of Queens, I would say it’s time to take the sitcom out back and put it out of all our miseries.

I’m off to the family reunion in Chicago today, back Monday sometime. At least this year, I don’t have to be the host. Look through the archives, and entertain yourself at my expense. Enjoy.

After the movie, Part III:

My mother and I went to see “Forrest Gump.” Gary Sinise was fantastic as usual as the (eventually) legless Lt. Dan. As my mother and I left the theater, she turned to me and said, “I’m so pleased they hired a man with no legs to play that man with no legs.” “Mom,” I said, “Do you remember in the beginning of the movie when he had legs? I don’t think he had them cut off midway through filming. Gary Sinise does, in fact, have legs.”

I love my mom.

After the movie, Part II:

We were leaving an opening-night screening of “The Blair Witch Project,” which I personally found intriguing and creepy. The minute we got outside, still surrounded by people going in for the next show, my friend Elizabeth practically shouted, “I’m so glad that *bitch* got killed!”

After the movie, Part I:

I once had an acquaintance, Peter, who was something of a snob. The first time I met him, he tagged along when a bunch of us went to see “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” (see earlier post). The centerpiece of the movie is a birthday party at the Grape’s for DiCaprio’s Arnie. As we got into the car after the movie, Peter piped up with, “I can’t believe [Gilbert’s mom] could invite people over to her house when it looked like that.”

Seen on the back of next week’s TV Guide: a promotional ad for Barbara Walters’ 20/20 interview with sometime lesbian Anne Heche. A giant closeup of Heche’s wraithlike face, topped by the headline “Call me crazy.” (!) I don’t know whether to set my VCR or run screaming into the hills like the Unabomber. Pop culture can do that to a person.

Several new (and long overdue) listings on the links page today. The new inductees are surreally, xkot.net, and Top Ten Blog!. I’m sure they are so proud!

Administrative notes:

1. My apologies to the good people who have been attempting to chat with me lately. Little did I know the enthusiastic response I would get from the AIM link. Things have been, shall we say, busy here at the lucky8ball World Headquarters in Budapest, Hungary over the last few days. I’m spending the holiday weekend in Chicago for a family reunion, and when I get back I should have more time to talk.

2. If you want to fill out the URL field when you make a comment, don’t forget to add the http:// to the beginning. Otherwise, the system thinks it’s a relative link, and it doesn’t work properly.

3. On a related note, thank you all who have been so generous with your comments lately. It means a lot to me.

TV dialog, Part I:

“A law firm does not run on hugs.”
-Douglas Brackman, L.A. Law

Have I mentioned how much I love L.A. Law? It was the pinnacle of the late 80s-early 90s ensemble show. At least until those inevitable last couple of bad years, it was sparely and superbly written and acted, and was just plain entertaining to boot. The ongoing travails of murder suspect Earl Williams (just now wrapping up in reruns on A&E) were gripping. And Susan Dey and Harry Hamlin made a romance between two self-obsessed yuppie lawyers something not to be missed. Not challenging or multilayered by any means, it still took a handful of interesting themes and ran with them. Watch a couple of episodes and see if you agree with me.