I wrote the following a long time ago as a weblog post, but never published it. I decided it was time to broaden things out a little at words mean things. So here it is.
You Didn’t Ask, But Yes I Am
Coming out is a uniquely absurd process. It involves discussing something with people, often with great angst, that?s really none of their business. But the absurdity doesn?t make it any less important or, sadly, any funnier. (Well, maybe it is funny to think of a man sitting down with his parents and saying gravely, “Mom, Dad, I just thought it was important that you know that I like sex with women.”)
It?s also absurd because it never ends. There?s always some new bridge to cross, just when you thought you?d crossed them all. And each bridge brings with it a whole new set of problems ? should this be in person, or will over the phone or in an e-mail be OK? Do you bring it up, or just plan to launch in when sexual identity somehow works itself into the conversation? What will each person’s reaction be? How will this change our relationship?
“Coming out” in itself is a loaded term. It suggests revealing a shameful secret: “It came out that he only had sex with llamas, and that only by the light of the full moon.”
And once you do come out, you have a whole host of semantic issues to confront. Are you homosexual, gay, bisexual, queer or lesbian? Why do you even have to pick one ? is “Bob” suddenly out of fashion? How much are you defined by your sexuality? What do you say when the words “fag” and the like are used? Do you speak up or just hold your tongue?
And what do you call the person you are sleeping with ? boyfriend, lover, significant other, partner? [Ed. note: Sort of academic right now. But one does want to be prepared.] I agree with comedian Judy Gold who said of the last term, “It sounds like we own a Mailboxes Etc. together.” “Husband” you hear sometimes, but that calls to mind all those thorny legal and religious issues about marriage. (Don?t get me started.) Not to mention all the social baggage of the terms “husband” and “wife.”
But for all their baggage, “husband” and “wife” are important linguistic shorthands. “My wife and I went out shopping for furniture yesterday” doesn?t immediately drag the listener into the realm of what those two got up to in the bedroom the night before. Where are the generic terms for gay couples (See? When I said “gay couple” ? mental images?) that straight couples take for granted? (Don?t even get me started on “straight” and “gay.”) I guess they won?t appear until the two kinds of couples are considered equivalent ? and we?re a long way off from that.
Being gay is just one part of me. An important part, but only a part. The dictionary just needs to start keeping up.
Great post, and I applaud you for making it.
I recommend calling your ‘person’ by his or her chosen name, whatever that may be. All of the other labels were designated by other people, and all of them are insufficient, as befitting a society that would just rather not deal with it. Sexual preferences are assumed (heterosexual) unless otherwise specified; activities are not to be mentioned (unless the sole context is ‘trying to make a baby.’)
With no apologies whatsoever, homosexualists and homosexual acts are normal, common, everyday no-big-deal. We’re here; we’re queer; get over it. We are indeed a long way off before that attitude prevails, but progress is being made.
In any case, Adam, welcome to the club. It’s not easy here, but it’s certainly better than wishing you were someone else.
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I go now.
Sometimes I wish I was a giant robot.
Thank you for this well-pondered post, Adam. You describe very well the absurdity of the notion of “coming out.”
gosh, man – i didn’t think it was possible to like you even more! So articulate, thoughtful, and always thought-provoking; (wait, i dont mean i like you more cuz you’re “in the club”! – I mean because …..oh, I don’t know why, specifically, I just do!)
I agree with you about all that label nonsense. I hate using everyone else’s terms just so they can have a nosy, intimate peek into my relationships. I just usually say, This is my friend ____
and leave it at that. It’s none of anyone’s business and watching people trying to figure it out is so fun. You can see their thoughts written all over their face. Are they, or aren’t they fucking.
Fun 🙂
Sparky: you aren’t?
It’s fascinating to navigate the difference between the public and private aspects of a relationship. To publicly refer to one’s husband or wife does imply physical intimacy (if you’re lucky), though what form that intimacy takes remains private. Salad-tossing or sock shenanigans are certainly private behavior, only to be discussed with one’s closest friends (like my readers, for example), but to lump together a relationship with specific sexual practices is as ill-advised as artificially separating the two.
In short, thanks for saying what shouldn’t have to be said, but what simply must be said.
Adam, you consistently rock my world. Thoughtful, insightful, and always with great humor. I’ll definitely be sharing the part about sleeping with llamas under the light of the full moon with my Pride club.
I’m over it 🙂